I’m a lazy fuck.
I feel like it’s important for me to say that right off the bat so no one will think I’m some kind of energetic go-getter who actually enjoys moving around and sweating. Given the choice between sitting on my ass, drinking wine, or like, playing frisbee or whatever, chances are pretty good I’m gonna ask you to pass the pinot grigio.
I’m also shy. Really, really shy.
So yeah, long story short, going to the gym? Not so much something I was eager to start doing. I was self-conscious and out of shape, and the last thing I wanted to do was go somewhere brightly lit and full of lots of really nice-looking people who’d snicker at the way my flabby ass kind of looks like a lump of spandex-covered jello that chases me when I run.
But I started doing it anyway because I really want to be able to outrun zombies. Y’know. Just in case.
4 months later, I’m going to the gym 5 days a week, and I’m not completely hating it. It’s taken me a long time to get comfortable with my routine, though, and I’ve spent a lot of time going, “Jesus Christ, seriously? How come no one’s ever written some kind of FAQ for geeks who hate the gym?” That statement led to a conversation with a friend who asked me for advice, which turned into an email, which turned into this post. So viola! A quick ‘n dirty guide to surviving the gym, from one shy nerd to another.
BEFORE THE GYM: The Shit You Need
1) You need to understand two things: no one looks sexy at the gym, and no one gives a fuck that you’re exercising.
I can’t stress this one enough. I know you think you’re going to get there and see like five Jared Padalecki lookalikes busting a move on the treadmills or whatever, but that is because you read too much fanfic. Most of your fellow gym-goers are going to be fat and/or middle-aged and/or sweating their asses off while crawling on their hands and knees across the floor with their personal trainer (I’m serious. This happened. And I won’t lie, it looked a little bit kinky.) Anyway, the point is that no one actually looks fuckable when they’re working out, okay? They just don’t. Besides, no one is going to have time to judge what you look like when you’re working out because they’ll be too busy sweating and wishing they were dead.
Anonymous